Montserrat

Today I was a little sad that I couldn't attend my own church, but I was excited to see what the day had in store for me.

There wasn't a ton of walking today, which was nice.  We rode on a train and I admired the scenery (and slept a little) while we rode.  However we rode through tunnels, so I just read my book when there wasn't much scenery.

When we got to the mountain, we had to ride a cable car to the top.  I was a little bit scared because I'm terrified of heights.  When we got in the car was incredibly full and I stood in the middle thinking it would help.  However, every time I got the courage to look out the window, it looked like we were going to hit the mountain or I could see how high up we were, and it would scare me more.  One of the professors told me to just look at the bar in front of me and breathe, so I did.  When we got off the ride I got a little claustrophobic, but once I was off I thought I was fine.  However, I sat down because I was feeling lightheaded, and then I realized I was having a panic attack.  I was hyperventilating, tears were burning my eyes, and my heart was racing.  I didn't know what to do but I just kept trying to bring my breath back to normal.  One of the professors asked if I had altitude sickness and I said "No, I think I'm having a panic attack."  So another professor said "Okay, then she doesn't need an audience.  Let's go."  I didn't realize so many students were surrounding me but I was starting to feel better, so I think subconciously I did know.  I know they meant well and were concerned for me but I apperciated the teacher doing that for me.  One of the professors and another student stayed behind while I calmed down and waited for the other professor and his group to come up.  I was really scared and I apperciated them waiting with me.

After I was calmed down, I went with another student to explore until it was lunchtime.  It was beautiful and so peaceful, and seeing and being out in nature helped me calm down more.  The theme today is spirituality, and being one with nature.  I love nature, I feel peace and balance when I'm in an area like this or Zion National Park.  I enjoy being outside and smelling, tasting, hearing, seeing, and feeling what nature offers.  I love to do deep breathing exercises while I'm outside and just feel things like the sun on my face or the wind blowing through my hair.  It was so peaceful being inside the church and experiencing what others find spiritual to them.  I found it so neat that there is a church on a mountain that thousands of people attend.  It was amazing to be there, and I think that having the panic attack and then experiencing this sense of peacefulness was an amazing contrast to feel.

I got close to another anxiety attack because when I was in the church, people were coming up behind me and it just got more and more full.  I was feeling very claustrophobic and I was starting to panic, so I decided to leave.  Nobody followed but that was actually really nice.  I sat down on a step to wait for them and I decided to read my book.  It was actually really peaceful to read while I sat inside the courtyard of the church, feeling the cool breeze and hearing the beautiful sounds of nature.  I forgot how much I love reading outside.

I felt like I belonged, because being in nature always reminds me that I matter.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be here to experience all this wonderfulness.  I hated the panic attack, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I learned in my abnormal class that sometimes there's a reason for mental illnesses, and I feel the reason for the panic attack was so I could feel the contrast.  It was beautiful, spiritual, and peaceful.